Hey guys. Time to real talk for a moment. I don't usually delve into the personal areas of my life here on the interwebs, but tonight, I'm going to go there. I am going to lay it down on the figurative table for all to see, and then quietly walk away. Why? Because to me, it feels like the right thing to do. I apologize if anything I say is seen as shocking, or offensive, or just plain wrong. It is not now, nor has it ever been my intention to hurt or upset anyone with my beliefs, or the way that I feel. However, the time has come to speak my mind, So speak my mind I shall.
I am Gender Dysphoric. For those of you who might not be entirely certain as to what this means, I shall explain. Gender Dysphoria is the term used to describe someone who experiences a rather significant discontent and detachement from the sex they were assigned at birth, and its associated gender roles. Severity of this dysphoria varies from person to person but for me, and this is putting it bluntly, if feels like I'm a boy with a girl's brain, or a girl trapped in a boy's body. The two just don't sync. It's like trying to use an Android with Itunes… Or something.
Anyways, as of now, the current approach to treating such a disorder (and it is considered a real medical disorder) is to physically alter the subject's body to better match their gender identity. This is a long and painful process, taxing on both the body and mind, but in the end, the hope is that the subject of these changes will find themselves more comfortable in their own skin… This feeling, one most people don't even have to think twice about, is something I've wanted for a very, very long time. Don't get me wrong. I tried desperately to make my mind fit into my body for years. Years and years and years as a matter of fact. What other choice did I have? My parents were pretty tolerant and fairly liberal, but by the way the people in our church (and community as a general whole) talked about the LGBT community, you'd think they were worse than devil worshippers. Someone would say that this person had come out as gay, and someone else would shake their head sadly, as if they had just been told of some untimely death. How was I supposed to deal with that at twelve? Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming those people, or trying to shame or vilify them. Many of them truly were good people at heart, if not a bit opinionated. Then again who isn't? I am merely saying that, at the time, I was given the impression that the way that I felt about myself was going to send me to hell. That was sort of distressing.
So I tried to forget. And I did, for a while. I pushed those "sinful" thoughts and feelings down down down until I finally felt relatively okay. Thoughts or feels would pop up now and again, but I would reflexively shove them away. It wasn't too hard at first, I mean, there really is something to the concept of guys generally having better control over their feels. At least, that has been my personal experience. I even managed to convince myself that I liked a few girls, though any form of sexual attraction was never there. It was like I painted a paper backdrop for my life. It was pretty, and seemed to have depth, but in reality it was flat, and flimsy, and in the end, it ended falling apart, burning up, and nearly burning me up in the process.
There came a point when suddenly, I just couldn't deny myself any more. My life literally fell to shreds over the course of a single night, and for the next four months I was mentally catatonic. I didn't go out, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I was, for all intents and purposes, dead. I just couldn't reconcile how I felt, or how I felt about how I felt, or even how I felt about how I felt about how I felt. I couldn't get over the supposed dilemma of either living unhappy and uncomfortable in my own body for the rest of my life, or changing, and going to hell. I spent a lot of time reconciling my beliefs with the way I felt, and was eventually able to come to terms with things while still keeping a strong hold on my faith. By then, thanks to plenty of internet research and study on the subject, I had a basic inkling of the course I should probably take. I began to see a therapist, where I was properly diagnosed with the disorder. Began hormone replacement therapy, a process by which one slowly coaxes their body to… sort of morph over time in to one of the opposite sex. I began preparing a new name, a new life, a new persona. I began to attempt to sort out my brain, to understand what was truly parts of who I was, and what was just overly forced male conditioning… It's a bit like regenerating really. You know, like from Doctor Who? You grow a new body, and act a bit differently (what with being the opposite sex and all), but are essentially the same. It was exciting, and frightening, and exhilarating all at the same time. But then I hit a snag. A real big snag. What would I tell my friends? My family? I had to think on it a good long while.
You know a lot of people in my situation just disappear. Leave old acquaintances behind, sometimes even family members, and start a new life, in a new place. It's easier, it's less stressful, it's incredibly tempting. But I couldn't. I felt no condemnation from God as to the choices I was making, but I could not and would not leave my loved ones out of the loop. I knew it would be tough. I knew that it would hurt. I knew that a lot of them would probably think what I was doing was a sin, but if I believe anything it's that we are called to love God, and to love people. It's not really loving people if you don't give them a chance to love you back, now is it?
That's truly what this post is about. Congrats if you made it to the bottom by the way. I can't say anything without being overly wordy and flamboyant, so yeah. I'm letting you all know about me and my life because I care. Every new follower has been cherished deeply, and every like and reblog incredibly appreciated. However, I cannot stay on this blog any longer. There are remnants of a person that I can no longer be here, and as with that person, I must, at least for now, leave it all behind, in an attempt to discover whether the choices I am making are truly in my best interests. I suppose I could have simply deactivated the account, deleted it without even a notice or a note, but for some reason, that just seemed wrong. And don't misunderstand, just because I'm leaving this blog doesn't mean I'm leaving Deviantart. My webcomics will continue to update (to find new ones, find them at their tumblr addresses Here and here) and this blog will stay where it is, but I will no longer update from here. I have a new page, and if you wish to follow it, you are more than welcome to. I won't post a link here, as this is not meant to be any sort of advertisement, but I will not make it difficult to find. I simply feel that it is time to move on somehow, as if this is a milestone in this bizarre journey that is, unbelievably, my life.
So that's it. There you have it. For those close friends that I had not yet revealed this information to, I sincerely apologize. You deserved to have me tell you face to face, and the fact that this did not happen, whether due to my own cowardice or a simple matter of wrong place/wrong time , is deeply distressing to me. I hope that you can at least in some part, understand my situation, and I hope that through it all we can still be friends. To my watchers: Thank you for your support. It is thanks to you that I have striven for greater things with my artwork and for that, I salute you. May your beards grow ever longer, and, God willing, may our paths cross again.